Oh, right on!
BEN: Look at this.
KATIE: This is beautiful. WAITER: This way.
KATIE: Thank you. BEN: Canal-side seating.
Very nice.
EDDIE: Oh, my God!
EDDIE: Meant to be!
Kismet! Kismet!
We went looking for your hotel, but we couldn't find it anywhere.
-Yeah, it's pretty hard to find. -Well, all's well that ends well.
It was just like fate, the first time I met Joanie.
I worked on the 6th floor, and Eddie worked on the 4th floor.
-Hand to God. -Every day in the cafeteria...
-...on the 3rd floor-- -I saw Joanie at the salad bar.
EDDIE: And she smiled at me. Not just a smile.
I mean, a really big smile.
One day at the salad bar at Beefsteak Charlie's...
...I thought I saw her at that salad bar.
-But it wasn't me. -It wasn't Joanie!
What are the odds of another person at a salad bar looking like Joanie...
...and yet not being Joanie?
What, like a trillion to one?
Could be higher than that.
Anyway, when I realized it wasn't Joanie, I was so disappointed.
And I began to think about how much I'd hoped that it was Joanie.
But at this point you still hadn't met.
No. And I couldn't get over how much I wanted this person to be Joanie.
And I think that was the defining moment.
I went back to my wife at the table at Beefsteak Charlie's...
...and I realized I felt more alive thinking about that stranger...
...I thought was Joanie than I did with the stranger who was my wife.
We were both in marriages we'd outgrown.
You know, maybe I didn't wanna admit it, but maybe...
...I didn't like myself enough to be with someone who liked me.
Can you imagine anybody not liking Eddie Kirby?
I'm not so perfect.
Beg to differ!
That year we both mustered up enough courage to leave our marriages.
So at this point you had met.
No.
Still hadn't met.
No. But, you know, after you've had such a horrible marriage...
...you don't wanna make the same mistakes twice.
So I made an inner pact with myself.
I said, "Eddie, you will never let anger build up to the point...
...where you don't like your partner."
-I made the same pact. -That became our credo.
"Never go to bed angry."
So now we talk everything through.
We won't let even the tiniest pea be under our mattress.
EDDIE: That's why we never eat in bed.
Me too.
BEN: Who 'd have thought the Kirbys...
... the happiest couple never to have met...
... would be the greatest aphrodisiac known to man?
If only you could bottle that unfettered state of mind...
... that comes with being on foreign soil...
... to just hold on to it...
...even for a day, an evening...
...an hour.
Last year, when we got back from Italy, God knows...
... we gave it a try.
Hey, look at this.
While we were away, we got a message from His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
About a softball team he's getting started.
You wanna write a letter to the kids together, let them know we're back?
"Dear Josh...
...and Erin."
Oh, sure. You get the easy part.
"We're...
...back."
"From...
...Europe."
That's not a sentence. It's a preposition and a continent.
I crossed out your period and made a sentence.
See? "We're back from Europe." Your turn.
Thank you.
Exclamation point. Comma. Close parentheses.
"But I...
...don't want to talk...
...about grammar."
Colon. "I want to...
...make love to...
...your mother."
No, you didn't write that.
Ben!
What? I do. I want to.
After we finish the letter.
No, let's make love right now. Then we write the letter.
Come on, we only had a couple of sentences to go.
In Europe, you would've made love first.
-What's that supposed to mean? -Nothing.
-That I'm not spontaneous? -I'm not saying that.
But that's what you implied.
That in Europe I'd have made love, but here--
I don't want us to get to the point...
...where we can't make love unless there's a concierge downstairs.
I wanted to take three minutes to finish a letter to our children...
...who I haven't seen--
What's that supposed to mean? That I don't care about our children?
If I finish the letter, I could be spontaneous.
That's not spontaneous! That's making an appointment!
I was in the mood for unscheduled affection...
...but sorry, we're home. I forgot...
...everything's gotta be on a schedule!
You try raising children where everything's unscheduled...
...when everything's spontaneous!
You know what? The kids need a little spontaneity too!
I know that!
I'm sick and tired of being the designated driver of this marriage!
Nobody designated you! It's a role you gave yourself!
Bullshit! You gave me that role!
Because God forbid Ben should ever remember to cancel the newspapers...
...or put washer fluid in his car...
...or participate in disciplining his children...
...instead of flirting on the phone with your girlfriend!
You're not bringing that up again!
You're damn straight I'll bring it up again!
I haven't spoken to her in six months!
Not once have you seen it through my eyes!
We don't have a pea under our mattress. You know what we have?
A fucking watermelon!
And you never wanna deal with it!
Oh, fuck it!
Jesus!
Welcome home.
Bye, Dad.
JOSH: Thanks. KATIE: I love you.
JOSH: Bye, Mom. KATIE: Buddy.
Love you.
KATIE: See you guys in a month.
JOSH: Bye, you guys.
ERIN: Bye, Daddy. -Couple of weeks.
-Watch your toes. -See you.
BEN: Bye, kids.
Do you think we should get one lawyer or two?
One.
Maybe we can at least make this part....
All I care about is that we make it as easy for the kids as possible.
Yeah.
AGENT: You noticed the bathroom has the original tiling from the '20s.
BEN: It's nice.
You know, since you're a writer, I know you'd appreciate...
...that the sister of Bette Davis' chauffeur...
...once had Thanksgiving in the apartment next door.
Really?
Are there any other kids in this building?
Oodles! Including, if I might add, the nephew of the actor...
...who jumped third into the fourth lifeboat on Titanic.
Rent the film, you'll see. I'll introduce you.
I'm showing it to another family today, but if you're interested...
...I can hold it for you, give your wife a look-see--
I'm interested.
Who wouldn't be? Look how the light from that window fills the room.
When I showed this apartment...
...to the man who did the voice of Charlie the Tuna...
...he said, and I quote, "Wow," unquote.
I think that says it all.
CHEF: First, you put olive oil...
...garlic and tofu.
Sauté until garlic turn light brown.
Make sure that your wok have a strong heat underneath it.
Now take an egg and crack it to the hot oil.
Make sure all the ingredients are cooked thoroughly.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
CHEF: Now we add some Pad Thai noodle.
I saw Deirdre up at Parents' Weekend, but I didn't see you.
I went up the weekend before.
You know, since the divorce...
...it's a lot easier for everyone if we come up at separate times.
Kevin and I took a great hike up to that waterfall.
You and Ben take that hike?
Yeah, it was beautiful.
CHEF: Spice it up with some chili pepper.
You know, spicy food make a better lover.
The hotter you eat, the hotter you get.
Well, the spicier the better for me.
Rice vinegar.
Does Ben like Thai food?
Yeah, yeah.
You and Ben been to Tommy Tang's?
Ben and I are di--
Separated.
Gee, I had no idea.
We're not really telling people.
I understand.
I'm so sorry. How long?
72 hours, four weeks, five years...
...depending on when you start counting.
I'm really sorry. I know how hard it can be.
This will sound crazy...
...but I always enjoyed Erin and Josh's appointments...
...because it gave me a chance to get to know you.
But when you called me about your bite...
...I felt myself looking forward to it because I knew we'd be alone.
And just tell me if it's too soon...
...but I wondered if maybe you wanted to have dinner sometime?
We are having dinner.
I was thinking of something that didn't involve a teacher.
KATIE: You always hear people say...
... they stayed too long in a bad marriage.
For the longest time, I never thought of my marriage as being bad.
I thought love was something you were allowed to fall in and out of.
You know, peaks and valleys.
But after a while...
... the peaks get lower and further apart.
Then one day you find yourself wondering, "Is this who I really am?
Someone who has taken up permanent residence in the valley?
Or is this just who I am with this person?"
And then, you ask yourself:
"Maybe there is another version of my life, of myself...
... that's a happier one."
Bullshit.
"Yossel looked into Minnie's eyes and felt...
...nothing.
For two years they'd been apart.
And now, as she stepped off the boat...
...he realized he was looking into the eyes...
...of a stranger.
A girl he no longer knew.
He had become an American.
And she was still the poor...
...unaffectionate...
...daughter...
...of a blind Lithuanian violin maker."
BEN: It was all about fear. Fear's what kept them together.
This whole time I've idealized my grandparents' marriage.
But this was not the love of the ages.
The two stayed together because they were terrified.
Fear of loneliness, fear of failure, fear of the unknown.
Sure, fear. That's the main motivator for everything.
That and guilt are the two emotions that keep a society humming.
You and Rachel stay together because of fear?
-In a word, yes. -You're okay with that?
In three words, yes and no.
See, it's not that simple. You're looking for clear-cut answers.
In reality, there's nothing clear-cut. Life is not clear-cut.
Life is gray.
For instance:
What do you see right here?
-What are you asking me? -I'm asking you, what do you see?
I see your ass.
That's what you think you see. But in reality, there is no ass.
What the f--? What are you telling me?
There is no ass, just the fatty part at the top of each leg...
...that is butted up against each other.
Hence the word "butt."
See, essentially...
...what we're dealing with here is just a continuation of the leg.
Okay, all right, now you lost me.
It's all illusions. There is no such thing as an ass.
Just like there's no such thing as the perfect marriage, job or child.
The whole notion of staying together and living happily ever after...
...all illusions.
You're saying you don't believe in everlasting love?
You're seeing the ass again and not the tops of the legs.
Love is just lust in disguise. And lust fades.
So you damn well better be with someone who can stand you.
Katie and I have moved way past being able to stand each other.
We've moved right into the hatred part.
I wouldn't worry about it. Hate fades.
Hate fades?
That's what you're gonna send me out into the world with?
"Hate fades. Love is lust. There is no ass."
What a disappointment you've turned out to be.
Just promise me one thing.
Please promise me that you will not say any of this to Rachel.
Are you crazy? This conversation ends here.
RACHEL: When Stan called me, I couldn't believe it.
I knew it was rough for you guys--
KATIE: We didn't wanna say until we knew we weren't getting back together.
Oh, my God.
Wow!
How are you doing?
I don't know. I thought I'd be devastated.
Maybe it just hasn't hit me.
-You're having an affair. -What are you talking about?
You're only not devastated if you're seeing someone else.
I'm not seeing someone else.
Are you serious about who you're not seeing?
I don't know. I know he's nothing like Ben.
He's responsible, plans ahead, has a Swiss Army knife.
He even wants to cook me dinner.
-He's a sandbag. -A what?
He's just a sandbag against the storm...
...holding off the inevitable devastation.
(CRIES)
Rachel, you okay?
Honey?
I'm sorry.
I know I'm supposed to be the one holding your hand...
...but I just feel terrible.
I mean, the thought of you guys not being together....
You're our best friends.
Fourth of Julys and Thanksgivings and Christmases.
You guys were our Fred and Ethel Mertz.
We thought you guys were our Fred and Ethel Mertz.
Really?
I never thought this was going to happen to me and Ben.
I thought we were going to be the ones to go the distance.
But I just couldn't seem to get him to put down that purple crayon.
But that's Ben. That's who you fell in love with.
Katie, you are at 80 who you are at 8.
People don't change!
RACHEL: People change over time. You've got to expect that.
The only way a relationship works is if people grow and change together.
Mr. and Mrs. Cogen, Mr. Jordan.
Nice to have you tonight. Is Mrs. Jordan not joining us this evening?
No, she's not. Stan, I told you to make the reservation for three!
-I forgot. -How could you forget that?
Say it louder. The guy in the lot didn't hear you.
It wasn't that loud.
Did you see Sunday's 7 down?
-I missed that one. -Five-letter word.
"Wants, requirements."
Rhymes with weeds.
"Needs"?
Exactly. It was a direct attack on me.
STAN: Come on. You're being silly.
It was just a clue in a crossword puzzle.
I know my wife. She was specifically attacking me.
And for what?
For having needs.
Like having needs is some terrible thing.
Show me one person that doesn't have needs.
Try this bread dipped in the olive oil. It's delicious.
Stan, give Ben the bread!
Why must you yell?
-Who yelled? -You.
That's not a yell.
He hears everything as a yell.
On anyone's yell-o-meter, that was a yell.
Was that a yell? He didn't hear it as a yell.
His mom was a yeller. He still hears her.
How could I hear her? You drown her out.
It's true.
The last few years, when Katie opened her mouth...
...all I'd hear was her mother.
Dot.
It wasn't easy for Katie to be raised by a woman as complicated as Dot.
Please, she wasn't complicated.
She was an idiot who made everyone else's life complicated.
You wouldn't believe the beautiful, psychological heirlooms...
...this snapping turtle handed down.
Everything's gotta be in a neat little box...
...with a little blue bow on it.
Punctual.
Ordered.
God forbid anything unexpected should happen...
...any perchances, happenstances...
...left turns, serendipities!
Nope, no way! Not allowed!
Out-of-bounds! Foul ball!
15-yard penalty! Too much time being spontaneous!
Everything's gotta be connected. Gotta connect the dots.
Maybe that's why they call her Dot.
You notice that her name wasn't Gay or Joy or Fun!
Try the bread--
You can't even fuck unless everything's just right!
Like a plane waiting for takeoff. Windows shut? Check.
Doors locked? Check! Heat on? Check!
Have we covered every possible, single reason...
...why everything is my fault?!
Houston, we got a problem and her name is Dot!
-Ben, bread. -There are people like Katie and Dot...
...who color inside the lines, and people like you...
...who wander outside. That can be a very endearing quality.
That's why Katie fell in love with you. Once you have kids--
I am not a third child!
Excuse me if my watch has no hands on it.
That's fine. It's just somebody has to establish the routine--
Are you saying it's all my fault?!
It's nobody's fault!
When people say it's nobody's fault, they don't mean that.
They mean it's your fault! The nobody's fault things are...
...hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, acts of God!
But when a marriage fails, it's gotta be somebody's fault!
And it's not mine!
Take that fucking bread and shove it up the tops of your legs!
KATIE: Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm dealing with 5000 things all day long!
Maybe every need you have doesn 't have to be met...
...at the exact moment you need it to be met!
I'm sick and tired of being the designated driver of this marriage!
BEN: Nobody designated you! It's a role you gave yourself!
KATIE: Not once have you seen it through my eyes!
BEN: We don 't have a pea under our mattress. You know what we have?
A fucking watermelon!
You okay?
Take me to Katie's.
Ben!
What are you doing here?
I wanted to know what your high was today.
You should've called.
My high was about you.
Tonight I saw myself through your eyes.
Ben....
And I'm sorry.
MARTY: It might be a nice touch...
...if you add some roasted peanuts to the sesame--
I'm....
At some point we should discuss how to tell the children.
How you doing? Come on in.
This is nice.
Thanks.
It's close to the park. The kids and I can walk.
You want something to drink?
I'll take water if you don't have anything else.
We have pretty much anything you want.
Beer, Gatorade...
...fruit juice, iced tea.
Iced tea is fine.
Here you go.
You have a watch.
Yeah.
Come on in.
Sit down here.
I think we should....
When we pick the kids up Thursday, we should just tell them that night.
We don't have to tell them right away.
Why?
What will change between now and Thursday?
Katie, you're seeing someone else.
I'm not seeing him.
We're just talking.
Right.
I won't put up with any more of this bullshit lying to the kids.
We take them to Chow Fun's, their favorite restaurant, to tell them.
We can't really talk at Chow Fun's.
We'll go to the house and tell them at dinner.
After dinner.
We'll all sit down and....
Jesus, how do we say this?
We'll just tell them how much we love them...
...how amazing and beautiful they are...
...so they don't think that any of this is their fault.
That's the important thing.
We'll just say that...
...Mommy and Daddy...
...or Mom and Dad....
You think Mom and Dad?
Mommy and Daddy.
We'll say that Mommy and Daddy have grown apart.
I was just thinking about Erin. She'll probably say something like:
"Well, there must be something right about you guys...
...for you to produce such beautiful and amazing kids."
She might say something like that, you know?
We'll just tell her that they were...
...born in love and we'll always love them...
...but Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore.
Well, wouldn't it be better if we told them...
...we still love each other, but in a different way?
Fine.
-We shouldn't say that? -I said it was fine.
Well, it was kind of a weird "fine."
Should I be thrilled about how we love each other in a different way?
(DOOR BUZZER)
BEN: Who is it? DELIVERY MAN: Your couch is here.
Where have you guys been? Come on in.
They were supposed to be here first thing this morning.
I'll pick you up at 5:00 on Thursday?
So is there...
...anything else we need to talk about?
Like what?
Nothing.
BEN: Bye.
BEN: What happened to you?
What happened to that fun girl with the pith helmet?
KATIE: You don 't think I ask myself that every day?
BEN: I'm talking about a connection!
A look! Something that says that we're on the same side here!
Isn 't this the moment where one of us says:
"This is ridiculous. We love each other.
All couples go through this. Let's give it another try"?
It was supposed to rain today.
Glad it didn't.
Me too.
Turn here. If you take Sepulveda....
What?
Nothing.
MINISTER: Do you, Katie, take Ben...
...to have and to hold...
...in sickness and in health...
...for better or for worse...
-...till death do you part? -I do.
DOCTOR: It's a boy. It's a girl.
It's a bunny!
It's a home run!
It's chickenpox.
It's over.
I love you.
Damn you!
I love you.
Damn it!
I love you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I hate you!
Fuck me. Fuck me.
Fuck you!
I love you.
I'm pregnant.
My goldfish died.
My hamster died.
My father's dying.
I'm pregnant.
Maybe we should separate.
JOSH & ERIN: Mom! Dad!
-You ready? -Yeah.
BEN: What's up? It's good to see you.
How you doing?
What's the matter?
She just missed you, that's all.
You've both just grown so big.
Look at you guys. I hardly recognize you. Wait.
Which one is Erin?
JOSH: Check it out, Dad.
I guess we know what your high is today. "Best All-Around Camper."
Congratulations. Look.
I guess this calls for a celebration! Come on! Riverdance!
SINGS: I'm the best all-around Riverdancer
Come on. Kind of like a little Latin loopy-loo thing.
Go with the big finish!
-Dad! -Come on! What?
-I have to see these kids next summer. -Come on, we're hungry.
Okay. All right.
BEN: Okay.
Let's go home.
KATIE: I think we should go to Chow Fun's.
Chow Fun's?
We agreed that we couldn't talk at Chow Fun's.
I know.
What are you saying?
I'm saying Chow Fun's.
Are you saying Chow Fun's because you can't face telling them?
If that's why, don't say Chow Fun's.
That's not why. I'm saying Chow Fun's because we're an "us."
There's a history here...
...and histories don't happen overnight.
In Mesopotamia or ancient Troy...
...or somewhere, there are cities built on top of other cities...
...but I don't wanna build another city. I like this city.
I know where we keep the Bactine...
...and what mood you're in by which eyebrow is higher.
You always know that I'm quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly.
That's a dance you perfect over time.
And it's much harder than I thought it would be...
...but there's more good than bad. And you don't just give up!
And it's not for the sake of the children.
But they're great kids, aren't they?
And we made them! I mean, think about that.
There were no people there, and then there were people.
And then they grew.
I won't be able to say to some stranger, "Josh has your hands" ...
...or "Remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial?"
And I'll try to relax.
Let's face it, anybody will have traits that get on your nerves.
Why shouldn't it be your annoying traits? I'm no day at the beach.
But I do have a good sense of direction, so I can find the beach.
Which is not a criticism of yours...
...it's just a strength of mine.
God, you're a good friend. And good friends are hard to find.
Charlotte said that in Charlotte's Web.
I love the way you read that to Erin.
You take on the voice of Wilbur with such commitment...
...even when you're bone tired.
That speaks volumes about character. And ultimately...
...isn't that what it comes down to? What a person's made of?
Because that girl in the pith helmet...
...is still in here.
I didn't even know she existed until I met you.
And I'm afraid if you leave...
...I may never see her again.
Even though I said you beat her out of me. Isn't that the paradox?
Haven't we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull.
The best of times, the worst of times. Dickens said it best.
The Jack Sprat of it. He could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean.
But that doesn't apply here, does it? I guess what I'm trying to say is...
...I'm saying Chow Fun's because...
...I love you.
I love you too.
Did you hear that, kids?
Your mom wants to go to Chow Fun's!
Isn't that great? I love Chow Fun's!
JOSH: The egg rolls are good, but not that good.
The egg rolls are fantastic!
They're warm, crispy, greasy as all hell.
-Everything you want in an egg roll! -Exactly!
KATIE: High/Low. Erin, you first.
ERIN: My high for the summer is, Austin wrote me 111 times.
KATIE: How did you come up with High/Low anyway?
BEN: I don 't know. But I've got another game.
I'm thinking of seven words. What are they?
-Do I get a hint? -No.
-A category? -No.
-Any seven words in English. -That's right.
Fair enough.
"MacArthur Park is melting in the dark."
-No? -No.
"And they lived happily ever after."
That's six words, but you're very close.
"And they lived mostly happily ever after"?
I hope so.
I think so.
Think so?
I do.
I do...
...too.
Re Adaptation By: Ali Nabawy Alynabawy@Hotmail.Com http://wwwsevenart.blogspot.com/ analazyz@yahoo.com